Friday, October 26, 2012

Just have faith...

Just have faith...
That is what J just told me as he got off the phone. I just don't think that I have much left. Yes, I know God will take care of us, but (and I know there shouldn't be any buts) why not provide a great job now. Why is this taking so long?

I get so frustrated at him. I try to be supportive but I am struggling. I feel like my parents are mad with me/us. I don't want them to ever think that I am only taking, but I want them to know that I am grateful and indebted forever to them.

Someone has told him that they will have a full time position in 2013! 2013!???? I know part time will come before that but really, Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming...The kids don't deserve this at all. I am tired of taking and asking of my family.

J's mom gave him an envelope on Sunday night and said that someone gave it to her to give to us. It is a $50.00 Wallyworld gift card. I am not sure if it was for us or if she gave it to us because someone gave it to them for their pastor appreciation day which was this past Sunday. I guess I shouldn't question Gods blessings, no matter where they come from.

I am just ready to give up.

I am amazed at the two weeks that J was out of town working, how less stressed I was every night, even my coworker noticed. Wow! I also realized when he came home last weekend that it is his indecisiveness that gets me so frustrated. Even when I tell him that he can choose he just throws it back at me until I make the decision. He tells me not to worry that he will do what he needs to do to take care of his family. I don't know if these are just words or...He tells me things will be different when he comes home, because he realized how much he missed us when he was gone and he doesn't want to go through that again.

Pride...It is a hard thing to let go of. Is that what God is teaching me??? To let go of my pride. To know that He is the one in control and that I can leave it with Him to take care of?

When it came right down to him leaving, I didn't want him to go. When it came time to go bed, I wanted him there. I love this man...the man God gave to me to support and be his helpmate.

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